A Day in the Life of Hojo
by Chaos Silk
Summary: A fiction documenting the hells Hojo goes through just by living, including those inflicted upon him by those who are less than fond of him i.e. Sephiroth and Reno. Hojo torture. Some shonen ai. Discontinued due to lack of interest.
1. The Squid

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy Seven or it's wonderfully chaotic characters

A/N:...Uh heh heh I found this and the notes for a humor story I was planning as I was going through my folders today and thought that the start of a new series would be a great holiday present for all my readers. It's a rather odd story, focuses on Hojo and the hilariously amusing hell he goes through each day.

Warnings: Hojo-torture, obsession with squid, randomness, and insanity, basically the usual warnings.

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Today was a good day for science and Hojo. He had finally completed with the reorganization of his notes (they were all neatly arranged on his desk), implanted more voices into Vincent's head (it amused him greatly). Then he had successfully convinced Sephiroth to sit still and not kill him as he examined him in the name of science and those idiots had finally installed the new aquarium in his office. His squid were most pleased. In his opinion the new aquarium was the second greatest accomplishment of the day, the first being not dying.

He whistled happily as he walked through the winding corridors of Shinra tower to get to his office, coffee and donut in hand. He couldn't wait to look proudly at the neat stacks of paper and notebooks on his desk as his squid happily swam in their new home. As he reached towards the doorknob, he noticed that it was oddly warm today. He made note to turn down the heat in his office when he got in, wouldn't want his squid to get too hot.

He opened the door, stood there blinking stupidly for a moment and then screamed as though the world was collapsing around him.

---

In another part of the building.

---

"You look happy today. What did you set fire to?" A suspicious Tseng asked Reno as the redhead practically bounced into the room. The mischievous Turk flashed him a smug grin before taking his seat at the table. Rude watched this all calmly, his eyes and emotions hidden behind his sunglasses.

"Why does everyone automatically assume I've set fire to... or killed something... or done something especially malicious to someone, when I am in a good mood?" Reno countered, shrugging off his uniform jacket. Tseng raised an eyebrow at him and Rude snorted.

"Maybe because you're only in a good mood when you've done those things?" Tseng asked, shaking his head in amusement. Rude said nothing as he either stared or glared at Reno, he may have just fallen asleep though. Reno poked Rude in the head, definitely asleep.

"Just tell me so I can give you a foolproof alibi when they come looking for you." Tseng sighed, rubbing his forehead in an attempt to stave off a headache. Reno paused in his poking of Rude and stared at him, pulling a marker out of his pocket as he did so.

"I set fire to Hojo's desk." He announced with a grin and then set to scribbling all over Rude's face. Tseng sweatdropped and shook his head, he would eventually save him from Hojo but he wasn't saving him from Rude when he woke up.

---

And back to Hojo.

---

"MY NOTES!!!" Hojo screamed at the top of his lungs as he fell to his knees in front of the blaze that was his desk. He started to weep, from both the smoke and the loss of his life's work. Actually he had several copies of his notes in various places, but this was the only one that was neatly organized.

"What in the name of Bahamut is going on here?" Scarlet demanded sharply, sticking her head out her office which was right next to Hojo's. She sneezed from the amount of smoke in the hallway and strode over to Hojo's open office door.

"Hojo!! If you are doing one your crazy experiments in your office again I am going to... castrate..you..." Scarlet trailed off, seeing the weeping Hojo and the inferno that was his desk. If that kept up her office would soon go up in flames along with Hojo and his diabolic notes. Her eyes drifted to the aquarium where the squid were floating around and doing squid-like things.

She recalled a distant, traumatic memory from her childhood. Her sister had accidentally set the kitchen table on fire and her father had beat it out using her beloved pet, Mr. Bubblebutt. If she could stand seeing her beloved fish die at the age of five Hojo could surely stand to see his squid sacrificed for the good of the company.

She reached into the aquarium and grabbed one of the slimy, squirmy little buggers, a disgusted look on her face as she did so. She threw it at the fire where it promptly burst into flame. She blinked and threw another just to be sure that one wasn't a freak. Then another, then another until finally all of Hojo's squid were sizzling on his desk.

"Well that didn't work out as planned..." She sighed, shrugging as Hojo let out a tortured wail, mourning the loss of his two most precious things. She watched the flames devour the squid and what was left of Hojo's desk for a second and left to find a fire extinguisher... or a bottle of Gin. Whichever she found first.

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Today's moral: Squid are flammable.

---

TBC

Reviews would be greatly appreciated. Merry Christmas everyone (and happy holidays to those who don't celebrate it.)


	2. Making out in the office

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Yet another chapter... Keep in mind I rarely (if ever) follow canon... or the game's plotline.

Warnings: in chapter one. Boys kissing. You have been warned.

This was a request by one of my Turks and Toothbrushes readers, sadly I forgot to write down which...

"Are you sure this will scare the hell out of Hojo?" Vincent asks, raising an eyebrow at the bouncing redhead. Reno grins, an evil light sparkling in his eyes.

"Of course, I mean it wouldn't scare him if it was anyone else it wouldn't even make him raise an eyebrow. But if it's you, his hated rival and me, his very own personal screw-up fairy then it will freak the hell out of him and make him paranoid as hell." Reno explains, though it wasn't really much of an explanation. Vincent just had one question.

"Did you just refer to yourself as a fairy?" He probably didn't want to know the explanation behind this one; he had a feeling it was related to Zack... Zack was perhaps one of the few things in this world that scared him.

"I'm a screw-up fairy. I screw things..." Vincent's eyebrow raises higher. "...up. Don't give me that look you perverted bastard." Vincent hears the sounds of Hojo's boot-steps coming closer.

"Hojo's coming." Vincent says emotionlessly, wrapping an arm around Reno's waist and pulling him into a passionate kiss. The office door creaks open and Hojo screams like a little girl.

"BY LUCRECIA!!!" Hojo squeals, covering his eyes from the sight of his two of his three most feared people in the world making out in his office. Seeing his second and third worst enemies (the first was himself) in such a position was such a shock to his brain that he fainted.

"Well what do you know, this wasn't just a ploy to get me to make out with you." Vincent says, his tone darkly humorous. Reno's head whips around to glare at him.

"What did you say?" He demands, green eyes glinting in a way that promises to make his like a living hell if he said what the redhead thought he said.  
"Nothing." Vincent wisely decides not to confess. He liked his life the way it was, living-hell free.

And with that they left the office, leaving Hojo to the tender mercies of the cold floor.

TBC

Thanks to all who read and review...

BloodyChaos: "I've been busy-ish so I haven't updated, but I'm in the mood to write again, expect more."

Zach: "Much more..."

BloodyChaos: "requests are accepted, so feel free."


	3. Squid rescue

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Mwahahaha, here I am with more Hojo-torture (not bashing, just torture, I actually somewhat like Hojo)

Warnings: in chapter one.

Somebody to save some squids. And Vincent from **Child of a Pineapple**

There were some days where Hojo was afraid his office had been invaded by aliens. And not cool aliens like Jenova, but scary freaky ones who stole his squid and his tropical punch kool-aid.

Today was one of those days.

"Why Jenova, do you torture me so?" Hojo demands of the ceiling, staring at it like he expected Jenova to come through it and give him all the answers of life or perhaps devour his soul. He would enjoy it either way so it didn't matter which one he was really hoping for (but I'd go with the soul devouring one).

"Did you know that mixing blue kool-aid with red hair turns it purple." Vincent asks coolly, walking into his office. Hojo glares at him.

"Why would I want to know that?" He demands, outraged by the Turk's callousness towards his missing squid and secret stash of tropical punch kool-aid... which was blue.

"You!!" He shrieks, pointing at Vincent who doesn't react. "You stole my kool-aid to dye Reno's hair purple!"

"No I didn't." Vincent says emotionlessly, with a trace of a smirk. "Reeve did, I simply rescued the squid..."

Pause.

"By throwing them off the roof."

Cue the dramatic wailing.

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing

BloodyChaos: " I think my writing style might've changed again..."

Zach: "That makes what, seven times now?"

BloodyChaos: "I don't know, I haven't been keeping track... anyways kindly review or perhaps leave a suggestion, I'm always open to requests."


	4. Getting Ditched

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Well then, nice to see you all again

Warnings: in chapter one.

Hojo getting ditched by the turks in a ritzy hotel by **Kazutaka Muraki**

"Alright dude, you wait here and we'll get you a room." Reno says, patting Hojo on the back and trying so very hard not to show his disgust. Rude was about five second away from snickering, which was really scaring the redheaded Turk because Rude never snickered.

"I just don't know how it happened..." Hojo wails, clutching at the redhead as though his life depended on it. He was covered head to toe in soot, apparently his house had mysteriously caught fire.

"I don't know, maybe Scarlet snuck into your house to finish off the rest of your squid." At the mention of Scarlet Hojo wails louder, but thankfully let go of Reno in favor of beating the floor and crying out for his squid.

He didn't notice Reno and Rude practically running away, but when he noticed they were gone it took five hours and getting arrested for loitering to convince him they weren't coming back.

Poor Hojo, no house to be under house arrest in so he was confined to his lab...

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing

BloodyChaos: "I'll let you draw your own conclusions from the house on fire thing, but let it be said that the Turks (or more specifically Reno) were **not** involved."

Zach: "That's because it was... mmph."

BloodyChaos: "Shh let them guess ."


	5. Rubber Duck

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: I've been in a writing mood recently, so enjoy.

Warnings: in chapter one. Oh Sephiroth briefly gropes Vincent and there's an implication at the end.

Seph/Vin in front of Hojo that involves monkies and rubber duckies by **Zananos**

Hojo was beyond happy, he now had a reason to stay in his lab 24/7, but sadly, he had no squid. So he told (ordered) his lab assistant (who looked at him like he'd lost his mind) to go down to the supermarket and buy him new ones.

He got lost in someplace called 'Honeybee Inn', spent all his money and brought Hojo a rubber duck instead. Now Hojo being Hojo did not understand the purpose of the rubber duck so he gave it to a group of monkeys and observed their actions.

They played with it and yet he still did not understand the purpose of the rubber duck so he gave it to Zack (who was similar to a monkey, only better because he could speak). Zack made it squeak and got attacked by the chocobo who had taken to living in the Shinra building. Hojo still did not get the purpose of a rubber duck.

So he gave it to Vincent who shot it, only to have the bullet ricochet into Hojo's ass (much to Vincent's amusement). Now not only did he not understand the purpose of the rubber duck, he was in pain.

So he gave the duck to Sephiroth who was standing beside Vincent (and laughing). Now Sephiroth was the smartest of all the test subjects, he looked at Hojo funny and (having heard the tale of Vincent and Reno making out in Hojo's office and scarring him for life) groped Vincent (who shot him, not that it did any good).

Hojo fainted.

And in the end not only did he still not under stand the purpose of the rubber duck, his ass hurt and he had a headache that closely resembled that of a hangover.

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing

BloodyChaos: "If you don't get the last line, I pity you (though if you ask I will explain)"

Zach: "You are sick and twisted..."

BloodyChaos: "Thank you, anyways if you liked it/want more, review and maybe drop a challenge?"


	6. Attack of the Cafeteria Food

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Oh yes, I've been in a writing mood today. I've got so many things written for this my head is spinning...

Warnings: in chapter one.

Sephiroth, Zack, and Hojo in something involving live, dangerous cafeteria food and a couple dozen spoons from **dantesdarkqueen**

Hojo had always known that the cafeteria food was deadly, in fact most of it was leftover experiments that he deemed useless or unimportant, but he had never once considered that it just might be... _alive._

And now that he was under work-arrest (or at least that was what Sephiroth was calling it) he was locked in the building, alone with it. He never knew that it made such strange noises at night.

He was afraid that by the end of the night he just might be the one getting eaten.

Hojo shivers, wrapping his arms around himself as he walked towards his office. He could hear the food bubbling and frothing all the way from down here, hear it scurrying about the building after mice and other vermin that had found their way into...

He stops mid-thought, staring into the monkey cage with wide frightened eyes. A glint of silver catches in the low light, a small line of drool escapes from his mouth as he practically has a seizure right then and there.

"Hiya Hojo!!" He screeches a the voice, expecting the spoons of monkey-death to come down upon him only to find that it is Sephiroth's idiot, Zack (who is still slightly better than the monkeys because he doesn't have a spoon visible).

Zack stares at him and gestures at the monkey cage. "Do you like it? Seph said I should give them some protection from the cafeteria food that roams the hallways at night."

At which point Hojo promptly declared that Zack was finally lower than a monkey and Jenova's dearly departed amoeba friend.

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing

BloodyChaos: "How was that? For those of you who don't know, in my universe, Hojo is deathly afraid of spoons. They are to him what crosses are to (traditional) vampires."

Zach: "yes, yes, very amusing."

BloodyChaos: "Anyways please review and maybe leave me a request or two?"


	7. Insulting Pink Postit notes

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: This one was written out of order here, didn't see this request until after I had finished the three after it.

Warnings: in chapter one.

Reno playing some pranks on Seph and/or Rufus. Maybe a return visit of the tennis ball machine from **dantesdarkqueen**

Hojo, as everyone knew, had the worst luck of anyone in the universe. He even beat Cloud, who happened to witness mind-scarring events on a daily basis (he was in charge of Zack and Bahamut knows what that man gets up to).

So it was really no surprise to anyone that when Reno declared war on Rufus's office and brought out his tennis-ball machine and insulting pink post-it notes of doom (tm) that Hojo just happened to be visiting. Or when he got hit fifty times in the forehead in rapid succession, each somehow managing to be more insulting to the last.

It was a surprise however that when Reno declared war on Sephiroth's office several hours later (having insulted Rufus's walls into submission) Hojo was again present and was again hit fifty times with the flying post-it notes (this time in the chest) each outdoing the previous.

Now Hojo thought today was a just bad day, but see he ignored the post-it notes and if there's one thing you never do in a Reno-war-on-inanimate-objects it's ignore the post-it notes. Because what's the point in insulting someone if they ignore you?

So again it was no surprise when Reno showed up in Hojo's very own office and declared war on Hojo... Only this time, the post-it notes went to the groin and Reno walked out triumphant (because you can't win against inanimate objects, hold a staring contest with the wall and I guarantee the wall will win.)

Never Ignore the Insulting Pink Post-It Notes of Doom.

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing, much love to you...

BloodyChaos: "I'm off to bed now, night."


	8. The security team

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: coughs it's been a while... here's an offering to appease you while my lazy ass get's back to writing.

Oh and a friend of mine and I are working on a Star Ocean fic, **Ties of Three** on our joint account **Zeyro and Chaos**, Just thought I'd mention it so you know I haven't been completely lazy (Just partly)

Warnings: in chapter one. Mentions of sex.

Most amazingly hot porn EVER, Mormon, robot from **Mystical Octopus**

"My eyes!!!" Hojo squeals upon walking into the security room, slapping a hand over his eyes to block out the images. "Oh Jenova why have you forsaken me?" He wails, wondering what he did to deserve this torture.

"Sheesh man, it's just the most amazingly hot porn EVER." One of the security team, who was later identified as the man who used to wear an octopus (The natural enemy of squid) plushie on his head.

"What are you? Some kind of robot?" The second member of the security team asks. He was a blonde haired male who was seemingly unaffected by the images plastered on every single screen in the room and the fact that half the team had mysteriously disappeared into the bathroom a couple minutes before.

"Why Jenova? Oh why have you turned your back on your most faithful servant? Is it because my mother is a Mormon?" Hojo screams and is kicked in the face by the last of the three remaining security guards.

"You are such a woman." She says, sneering down at him as she throws him out of the room and returns to her corner, pretending that the rest of the world does not exist.

It was on this day that Hojo discovered why Reno and the rest were always able to get away with what they did and it scarred him for life.

To this day he screams when he sees the door to the security room, which is sad because it's in the hallway right before he gets to his office.

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing

BloodyChaos: "My friend on MSN gave me this challenge and I thought it went rather well considering..."

Zach: "You explained why there were security cameras everywhere and yet nothing seemed to get done."

BloodyChaos: "That too, anyways if you liked, please review."


	9. Hojo screwing Jenova

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Second in a hopefully long list of updates... my writing style seems to have changed again... or it could be that I'm writing this at 1am.

Warnings: in chapter one. Mentions of sex.

Hojo getting laid by Jenova from **Guardian o Devil**

Reno just happened to be walking by Hojo's lab when he heard the strangest sound. He tilted his head to the side, looking around warily. He didn't want to know what was making the sound, but he did want to make sure that the maker of the sound wasn't about to eat his spleen.

Thankfully there weren't any monsters (or Nyquil-induced stalker-chocobos) in the hallway, just every single member of Hojo's lab staff except for the Doctor himself. The redhead blinked, trying to make sure that he wasn't seeing things.

"Why are you all out in the hallway?" He asked, now confused as hell. It wasn't every day that you saw all 214 of Hojo's lab assistants playing go fish in the middle of the hallway. In fact, it was an event worthy of the security team actually not watching porn and actually doing their job which was documenting what goes on in the building and making sure they have it on tape for reference (instead of destroying the tapes as they normally do).

"Hojo's conducting an experiment." One of the more helpful assistants supplied. Reno recognized him as the one who regularly snuck into the security room to watch porn with them and once made out with a Llama. This, coincidentally, was also the assistant who bought Hojo the rubber duck after getting 'lost' in Honey bee Inn.

"What kind of experiment?" Reno asked suspiciously as the noise increases in volume. The helpful assistant shuddered.

"He's..." The assistant coughed slightly and motioned for Reno to lean closer. "...Screwing that dead alien he keeps in the lab."

This time Reno... and nearly everyone else, were the ones that ended up being scarred for life.

TBC

Thanks for reading and reviewing

BloodyChaos: "Well Hojo wasn't in this one... but that's ok, because if he was I'd be scarred for life..."

Zach: "I think I'm scared now."

BloodyChaos: "Anyways, I'm sorry for the long delay... I'll write faster, I promise ."


	10. Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: it's nearly 2:00 am and I'm writing.

Warnings: in chapter one.

Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo, from **Guardian o Devil**

There were many things that frightened Hojo and he was man enough to admit that, but few things scared him more than the thought of his three most-recent breakthroughs on the Jenova project running loose in the building where any evil-squid-hater could influence them. In fact only the thought of Sephiroth and the three demons together scared him more...

He was lucky Sephiroth had left on a semi-important mission and Vincent was otherwise occupied when the three finally figured out how to let themselves out of their rooms. Of course those were only two, that still left Reno, Reeve, the security team female, Tseng, the elevator dude, Scarlet, Hojo's secretary, Rufus, Dark Nation, the Tonberry under the sink and lab assistant #74.

Needless to say Hojo was quaking in his lab-coat.

Thankfully the trio of terror did not meet up with any of the more active of the squid-haters (which is what Hojo called those who hated him) but instead met up with the most devious and subtle...

Reeve who was by far the sanest in the building and therefore the most dangerous to Hojo's plans.

But of course, Hojo didn't know that or else he would not have gone after Reno first. Had he not gone after Reno he would not have been thrown in a trashcan, set on fire and kicked down the stairs (this was why Hojo rarely left the lab) leaving him an open target to Reeve's moogle army led by the chibi trio of Loz, Kadaj and Yazoo.

It was so sickeningly cute and evil that upon his return, Sephiroth found himself rethinking his views on the usefulness of moogles.

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing

Reviews are loved


	11. KidSeph, Field trip

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: My fingers really, really hurt. I've been typing non-stop for the last few days.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Vincent taking kid-Seph on a 'fieldtrip'. from **CornCob**

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There had been an accident in the lab.

Not one of the usual accidents, oh no. This was an accident of Meteor like proportions.

Hojo had accidentally turned Sephiroth into a kid. And everyone knew that Sephiroth had only mellowed with age, he had been a hellion to rival even those three. Hence why Hojo was quaking in his labcoat, he seemed to do that often. But what really had him scared was...

Child-Sephiroth had teamed up with Vincent.

And they were now taking a 'field trip' of the lab.

So far 73 lab assistants out of 75 had mysteriously disappeared. #74 was in the security room watching porn and #75 (newly hired) had teamed up with Vincent and Sephiroth.

Needless to say, when the janitor found Hojo the next morning, he was a quivering mass of blue and purple and his office walls had several disturbing murals finger painted on them.

Now the very mention of paint of any kind made Hojo scream like a girl.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written.


	12. Glowsticks

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: My fingers really, really hurt. I've been typing non-stop for the last few days.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Hojo. Rufus. Glow-sticks, Seph to the rescue. from **Corncob**

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"What are you doing with that?" Rufus screamed, running to the other side of the room. Hojo sighed, it was time for Rufus's yearly check-up and the President had decided that Hojo was the only one competent enough to do it. Obviously the fat tub of lard was blind to the animosity between the pair.

"It's simply a glow stick, in case you haven't noticed, the power is out." Hojo said, waving said stick around. He liked glow sticks, they reminded him of squids. And as everyone knew, Hojo _really _liked squid.

Rufus glared at him, clutching the wall like it was his only lifeline. Hojo prayed for salvation.

Next thing he knew he was headfirst in the wall due to Sephiroth's boot planting itself in his ass. It was the first and the last time Hojo ever prayed to anything other than Jenova.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written.


	13. molestation

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: My fingers really, really hurt. I've been typing non-stop for the last few days.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Reno, Vincent, and Sephiroth all molest each other from **got-gojyo1109**

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If there was anything Hojo hated with a passion, it was when President Shinra came to inspect the lab, because he always brought at least two Turks (who were first and foremost in the anti-Hojo campaign) and Sephiroth. Usually these dark times of his life weren't as dark as they could be, for the President had never brought Reno or Vincent into the lab.

This time he had brought both.

Hojo twitched as Reno discreetly winked at him and then grabbed Vincent's ass, making the scientist wonder if he should indeed start worrying for his life.

Then Sephiroth smirked at him and grabbed Reno's crotch whilst Vincent, still looking emotionless, groped Sephiroth in return. Hojo fainted.

"What does this button do?" And President Shinra destroyed half the lab.

---- 

TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written.


	14. Cocktail Umbrellas

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: First I had finals, then my dad visited and wouldn't leave for a month, my boyfriend had a little breakdown and on Valentines, he asked to marry me and on top of all this, I have an active social life, which often involves long nights of gaming and talking. So my life has been a teensy bit busy, but I promise to attempt to get updates back on schedule.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Sephiroth, Vincent, Reno, Zack with cocktail umbrellas from **got-gojyo1109**

-----

If there had ever been something out of the ordinary that Hojo had been expecting when he stepped into his office, it would not have been this...mind-scarring event that awaited him.

As you may now know, there are quite a few things that scare Hojo, such as spoons and other males groping each other as well as many other things that have yet to be mentioned.

One of these things just happened to be full-frontal male nudity.

Which is why Hojo fainted, frothing at the mouth when he walked into his office today.

Of all the things he had been expecting (which included the random making out of various squid-haters and groping), he had not been expecting this. Though he really should've.

But really, what does one do when they find four unbelievably hot, naked men in their office with nothing but a little cocktail umbrella 'protecting' their modesty?

When he awoke, he was (thankfully) alone. And the cocktail umbrella's were in his mouth.

Ew.

---- 

TBC

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Once again, I apologize for the lack of updates, but I was busy. I'm currently trying to make it all up, so keep an eye out for massive amounts of writing from me.

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written.


	15. Hojo rescue

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: This is not the full request, but it should be enough for anyone. I absolutely refuse to write anything even resembling Hojo/Sephiroth. That squicks every part of my being.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Hojo getting rescued (from being raped) like a damsel in distress, by none other than Sephiroth... from **guardian o devil**

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Hojo knew it was a very bad day. First his precious computer had burst into flame (some idiot had got a floppy disk stuck in the zip drive and then decided that a lighter was the best instrument to get it out of there), then ninety-five of his specimens were let loose. Hojo suspected a certain red head was involved.

Not only were the experiments loose in the lab, but seventy-two of them had been laced with a very potent aphrodisiac, so there were more than a few of them that were quite literally 'raping' his lab. And his lab assistants.

And one was now attempting to rape him.

Today was not a good day for science. Hojo screamed as the creature approached; only now beginning to understand what he had put his precious specimens through and just as he was resolving to change his ways Sephiroth stepped in and killed the beast. Hojo immediately came to the conclusion that the clones had been released and fainted.

Sephiroth had just been passing by and thought Hojo was employee #74, so therefore rescued him. The clones were safely locked away in DeepGround.

---- 

TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	16. Terrorizing Shinra

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Heh, Cloud's actually involved... again.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Seph, Yazoo, Loz and Kadaj teaming up to terrorize the shinra personnel by **Sabith**

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Cloud was never, ever going to complain about being Zack's keeper again. Because he had just been reminded that it could always be worse.

He could be Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo's keeper. Zack may climb through vents, run through the building screaming like a maniac and occasionally rebel against clothes, but at least there was only one of him. And however young he may act, he was not five years old.

Or Sephiroth's clone.

Or locked up in Hojo's lab where he has access to potentially dangerous chemicals. Zack with cleaning supplies is scary enough.

Cloud really tried not to be surprised when Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo decided that Zack was their new role model.

He was surprised when Sephiroth actively encouraged it.

And then Hojo was turned pink, green and neon-blue for three months in a freak accident involving the clones, Sephiroth and dangerous chemicals.

He really didn't need to wonder any more and was thankful that he only had to watch one, loud, obnoxious idiot, instead of three stealthy clones.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	17. Squid and naughty evil things

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: I have fun writing these, really I do. Which is why I try to pace myself between updates, cause once I start writing, I can't stop until I run out of prompts.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Reno, Sephiroth, Zack, and naughty, evil things done to the squid from **dantesdarkqueen**

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Of all the atrocities Hojo had ever seen/commited/been party to in his life, this perhaps was the worst. And the sad thing was, it wasn't anything really special and while it happened in the cafeteria, it actually had nothing to do with the food. Which was very much alive and very much committed to Hojo's demise, but that's another story.

It involved rice and Reno's cooking. Reno actually wasn't that bad of a cook, but even the best of cooks can only do so much with so few ingredients. It didn't help that it also had something to do with Zack and the theft of a few very precious objects of Hojo's.

For once, Sephiroth and Hojo were in agreement.

Squid fried rice should never ever be a popular dish.

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TBC

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In memoriam of my shrimp fried rice, which I accidentally dropped on my foot before I wrote this.

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	18. Blackout

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Whoo for Reeve. He's so fun to write when he's pissed off and yet so very boring when he's not.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Reeve, Jenova, and a blackout from **dantesdarkqueen**

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Hojo and Reeve had an understanding. Hojo stayed away from Reeve, Reeve didn't spam his office with Moogles. It worked out very well for them.

At least it did until Hojo happened to concoct an experiment involving Reeve's beloved moogles and Jenova. Then all bets were off.

Reno really wished he had a camera when he stumbled upon Hojo, half-naked and wearing only a pink-satin teddy, hanging upside down in the recreation room.

Hojo never even looked at a moogle again.

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TBC

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The idea of Hojo in a dress intrigues me.

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	19. Purple

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: My sister likes to dye her hair purple. It tends to turn other things that color as well... and it's funny as hell to see her walk around with purple hands. And what Vincent wrote on Hojo's head happened to a friend of mine once. Twas absolutely hilarious.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: dye Hojo's hair purple from **Chaxra-san**

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"You know..." Reno said, tilting his head to the side as he studied their unconscious captive, an odd look in his eyes. "That really doesn't look half-bad...If you exclude the fact that it's on Hojo's head." Reno nodded towards the nice, deep royal purple color that was now Hojo's hair.

"Hmmmm...Still missing something." Vincent said, pulling a tube out of his pocket. He grasped Hojo's chin and uncapped the thing, writing something on his forehead.

"I... love..." Reno snickered at the last word, which a certain someone's conscience will not allow her to write. He clapped his hands together. "Perfect."

Hojo spent a week hiding in his office, wailing to his squid about the injustice to the world.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	20. Chibi Hojo

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Gaahhh...Last prompt.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Hojo turning into a kid and Sephiroth experiments on him from **Xellimech.**

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Hojo was just plain creepy. As an adult, it was more along the lines of 'I will sneak into your room and rearrange your internal organs as you sleep creepy'. As a child, he was slightly less creepy, though creepier than any kid outside of the Adams family should be.

Sephiroth would know; he was the one who 'accidentally' dosed him with the childhood inducing drug. And forced to take care of him for the rest of the day.

He really can't be blamed if child-Hojo was stupid enough to eat Zack's cooking. Even if it did turn him orange with blue polka dots, or grow fur on his tongue and various other things that were experiment worthy.

It was all Zack's doing, all of it. Even the bits that seemed suspiciously similar to some of the potion mixes Hojo was messing around with it.

And if those potions just happened to be missing, well Reno was involved and he was helping Zack cook...

That was Sephiroth's story and he was sticking to it.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	21. Crying

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity: Attempting to update all my drabble fics within the span of the weekend. Wish me luck.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: One quality about Vincent that makes Hojo want to cry from **GunnyLeonhart**

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There was one big thing about Vincent that made Hojo want to run for the hills crying for mommy and Jenova.

It wasn't the red eyes, oh no, Hojo had seen lots of red eyes and while it freaked him out a bit (read: scarred him to death), it really wasn't that scary.

It wasn't the fact that Vincent could hit a target from the other side of Midgar in pitch black darkness, Hojo never went outside and made a point not to be in the same area as the Turk when he was armed.

It had nothing to do with the fact that the Turk was male and therefore could strip and scar Hojo for life at any second.

It wasn't that Valentine was almost completely emotionless and armed with a sarcastic wit that put even Sephiroth to shame.

It wasn't even that Vincent was almost as much of a vindictive bitch as Reeve. Or as creative as Reno.

No, what really scared Hojo was that Vincent was willing to work with all three of the aforementioned parties to get back at him. Because separately, they were a pain in his ass. Together, they were a pain in his entire body.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	22. Vincent's desk

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity: Gotta love Vincent. Just cause.

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Sephiroth hiding under Vincent's desk from **GunnyLeonhart**

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Vincent had nothing to do with it, really he didn't.

He just happened to walk into his office that day, and suddenly, Sephiroth was under his desk. Then Hojo showed up and it all went downhill from there.

It wasn't his fault that the ceiling couldn't take any more bullets.

And it certainly wasn't his fault that Palmer's office was right above his.

He couldn't be blamed that when part of the ceiling fell down, Palmer just happened to land on Hojo.

He really had nothing to do with the fact that Hojo was on lab arrest and couldn't go to the hospital, that was Reno's fault, really.

And he most certainly did not plan this out with Sephiroth earlier. Not at all.

Even if it was caught on the security camera.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	23. Socks

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity:

Warnings: in chapter one

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Challenge: Kadaj, Zack, socks, and amusing dialogue. Possibly a return of the sock-orgy, if it can be worked in from **Dantesdarkqueen**

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Hojo was beginning to get unnerved. His left sock had disappeared while he was wearing it and all of his lab assistants were complaining about theirs missing as well.

"Have you found one that matches Hojo's yet?" Hojo paused outside one of the lab storage rooms, staring at the door. He could've swore he heard a voice.

"How can you find a sock that matches, they're all lefts?" A childish voice peeped up. Hojo felt a chill run down his spine, that was Kadaj's voice.

"Socks don't have a left or a right. They're socks. And they make good puppets too...see!!" Hojo twitched at the giggling behind the door, he wanted to run, but something kept him glued to the floor. He was going to use whichever idiot had spilled super-glue on the floor.

"Well would you look at that..."

"What?"

"Rufus, Tseng, Reno, Vincent and Seph are all wearing the same kind of sock..."

"And that means?"

"It's a sock fivesome!!"

"And that means?"

"We have five sock puppets... who like to make our with each other..."

Hojo screamed. Zack was later smacked upside the head for the corruption of young minds.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

Reviews would be loved, Requests will be written


	24. Jenova's revenge

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity: In which Chaos finally wanders back to her writing, after many grueling months of actually doing her schoolwork.

Warnings: in chapter one. In which there are tentacles and mentions of Hojo screwing Jenova's dead body.

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Challenge: Jenova getting revenge on Hojo for the last time he decided he was horny and  
took it out on her. from **Dantesdarkqueen**

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Let it not be said that Jenova had any affection for the depraved being known as Hojo. Despite that fact that she was a twisted alien being hell-bent on turning the planet into a hunk of barren rock for her own pleasure, she found Hojo and his machinations absolutely disgusting. At least she was straightforward in her plans, usually.

She did not take pleasure in violating the body of someone who was actually little more than a spirit while said body was nothing more than a well-preserved mass of rotting flesh. She was many things, but she was a necrophile. In addition, she found what he did with her body when he thought there wasn't anyone around to be the most atrocious act she had ever been witness to/experienced in her long life. That included the tentacle-(rape)-beast she had come across in her youth, which would always have a special place in her mind-scarring events that must never be mentioned again folder.

Her chance for revenge arrived when Hojo decided to inject himself with her special mind-controlling fluid for experimental purposes. It was a rather stupid move on his part, but apparently he though she held some affection for him because of all the 'bonding' he had done with her cold rotting body. First, she had him violate his squid much in the same way he did her. He could do whatever the hell he wanted with her, his goddess, yet a little squid abuse made him scream like a little girl and hide in the corner of his mind, wailing about the injustices of the world. He serious had more issues than even Jenova could handle.

After she was done with the squid, she found that he had somehow managed to recreate the tentacle- (rape)-monster of her youth and as much mental trauma as that beast caused her, she just couldn't resist. She had scheduled the beast to be destroyed a week from today as well as wiping all notes detailing the making of the creature. Then she maneuvered Hojo's spindly, weak old man body into the cage and cheerfully manipulated the lock so it wouldn't open until thirty minutes before the beast's scheduled destruction, no matter what Hojo did to it. The last thing she did before cutting the link between her and her 'most faithful follower' was to repeat _that_ action, the one that had caused the aforementioned mind-scarring events of her youth.

To her, Hojo's terrified screams as he was violated again and again were sweeter than any lullaby. It seemed the majority of the building agreed as she saw every single being in the building drop by at least once to laugh at the scientist's pain.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

I love writing Jenova at times, but it usually always ends up with some traumatizing event that has me reaching for my herbal teas.


	25. Hair Products

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity: Blah blah blabbity blah.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Hojo and Hair products From **Niko**.

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It was well known through out the building that Hojo had attempted multiple times to market his own brand of hair care products in response to the success the company had found selling duplicates of various gels and dyes used by the more popular members of the company. This was a sore point with many (such as Sephiroth and Reno) that did not dye their hair, but had a dye released in their natural shade anyway for the sake of sales. It was also well known that every single time Hojo brought it up, Rufus smacked it down faster than Zack smacking anything that moved with a whack-a-mole mallet.

However, Hojo was determined to get his own line of hair care products. He was almost certain that once he got his products on the market they would sell like mind-controlling fluids (which Rufus also refused to allow him to put on the market). He would not be swayed from his plan, he would not be distracted and he would never give up. He would never...

He paused in his thoughts as he opened the door to Rufus's office and found a mini-skirt clad (and nothing else) Zack armed with a spoon and a whack-a-mole mallet waiting for him. Zack grinned.

"Rufus said to ask you if you gave up yet." Zack said, stretching and inadvertently allowing Hojo a peek at 'little-Zack'. Hojo shuddered and slammed the door, practically running to his office as he finished his last thought.

He would never bring it up ever again.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

You know, I almost feel sorry for the poor guy... But then I remember, it's Hojo.


	26. Hair Products II

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity: Blah blah blabbity blah.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: A continuation of Hojo and Hair products From **Niko**.

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"I'm a natural redhead, do you want me to effin prove it?" Reno demanded hotly when talk of marketing a hair-dye product to make any color hair match his started flying throughout the meeting. Rufus raised an eyebrow, a coolly amused look passing over his face as he stared at the redhead. Tseng sighed; hiding his face behind his hand as Reno struggled to reign in his temper and failed miserably.

Silence reigned in the boardroom as Reno stood up and, in one smooth motion, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants and underwear to the floor. Hojo fell over, foaming at the mouth. Rufus barely spared him a glance as he signed his approval.

"You may be a natural redhead..." Rufus said, glancing pointedly at the red fluff on Reno's lower half. "...But your fans are not. And you know how fan girls and boys just love imitating their idols." Reno scowled as he crossed his arms and glared at the blonde V.P, looking every bit the sulking child if one ignores the fact that his pants are still pooled about his ankles.

"Reno...For the sake of my sanity. Please, put your pants back on." Tseng said, having refused to move his hand from over his eyes once Reno had spoke that damning sentence. Reno's scowl darkened and he did as he was bid, sitting back down and glaring at anyone who dared look his way. The meeting continued on as if they hadn't seen more of Reno than they would like to see and as if Hojo wasn't on the floor twitching.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.

You know, I almost feel sorry for the poor guy... But then I remember, it's Hojo.


	27. baby sitting

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Author's notes of random insanity: Blah blah blabbity blah.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: How about zack oddly enough winds up baby-sitting the triplets? from **Chibi Envy Chan**

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It had started out as a normal day. Or at least as close to a normal day as a day in Hojo's labs could get. Hojo had got up out of bed, attempted to straighten out the wrinkles in his clothes and walked two feet to his desk (he was still under lab-arrest, remember). He then spent two hours searching for his notes on the creature, which had caused him such excruciating pain, followed by fifty minutes of convincing President Shinra that there weren't any M&Ms in his office. He then regulated the rest of the day to randomly dosing the cafeteria food with the fluid that had wiped his memory of the day he had accidentally locked himself in the cage with that monster and couldn't get out.

He really should've known better. Because only Zack was actually brave enough to eat food from the cafeteria, add possession by Jenova along side forced baby-sitting of the terrible three to Zack's already Hojo-intolerant being and you had the makings of an all out war.

It took fifty cleaning crews to clean out the mess, five months before the triplets would stop calling Zack mommy and three days for Sephiroth to convince Zack to stop wearing that dress.

Hojo would never recover from the physical and mental trauma.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	28. Kadaj, Loz, And Yazoo pt2

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity: I just noticed that we passed the twenty-five drabble mark a while ago, and I'm debating on whether or not to end this at fifty or to see if I can push seventy-five...Thoughts?

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz decide to mess with Hojo's head really late at night from **Dantesdarkqueen**

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Hojo had become accustomed to the noises that filled the Shinra building at night, though it had taken months and months of effort. He still wasn't quite clear on what he had done to deserve seventeen years of house –lab- arrest, but the law was the law and Rufus was enforcing it. However, with the relocation of the triplets' room (they destroyed the last one) to the room next to his office, the nightly noises had changed.

It went from –burble, burble, burble- to various wails, cries and screams that usually come from hyperactive children that age. It was slightly disturbing to be expecting the cheerful gurgle of the cafeteria food as it hunts down rats, mice and other pests and to hear who he was quite sure was Kadaj shouting for Yazoo to get Loz off the ceiling. It was quite disconcerting.

"Yazooooo..." One of the triplets whined loud enough for Hojo to hear. "Put your pants back on... Cloud says it isn't good to run around without pants."

"But Zack said that..." Hojo didn't hear the rest due to the something in the building gurgling very loudly, but knowing the terrifying idiocy that was Zack, it was probably something that wasn't very good for Hojo's sanity. In fact, the very thought of Cloud **and** Zack being role models in the trio of terror's life was just about enough to make him wet his pants.

"But Sephiroth-niisan said we should..." Hojo squealed and ducked under his desk. Sephiroth was now involved in their lives? Mother of Jenova help him, he wasn't going to survive to see them make it to adulthood.

-In the other room...-

Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo were each sitting on their individual beds, every single article of clothing where it should be and evil smirks on their faces. Loz and Yazoo stifled giggles as Kadaj cheerfully opened his mouth and practically yelled out: "But Vincent told us not to..." then trailed off as Yazoo jumped up and down on his bed. They burst into quiet laughter as they heard Hojo scream like a little girl. Kadaj continued.

"And Reno said that we should always..." Upon hearing this, Hojo let out another squeal and hid further under his desk. By this time, they were laughing loud enough to be heard through the wall, but Hojo was too deep in his paranoia to notice.

Yazoo, being the oldest, decided it was time for them to go to sleep, so he said the magic words that were sure to send Hojo into a catatonic state. "Reeve was right, this is fun!!" He let the sound echo for a while, then glared at Kadaj and Loz until they got under their covers and, with the help of the ever useful materia Reeve had given him, went to sleep. With a proud smirk, Yazoo did the same.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	29. Gravity reversal

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity: The debate continues... Fifty or Seventy-five? Or maybe a nice random number like 66.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Sephiroth, Zack, and Reno reverse gravity in the labs at random times throughout the day from **Dantesdarkqueen**

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Hojo had just been innocently walking through the labs, holding a flask of potentially dangerous chemicals as he cheerfully whistled a happy tune, when suddenly gravity reversed itself and Hojo found himself headed headfirst into the ceiling alongside lab assistants #s 5, 7 and 82, seven monkeys, several flasks of dangerous chemicals (including the one Hojo himself was holding) and every single piece of heavy lab equipment in the lab. As the glass of the flask shattered above –beneath- him, splattering it's contents all over the ceiling -floor-, Hojo did the only thing he could do in this situation: he screamed for Jenova to save him so that he could continue on his work in her name. Interestingly enough, Jenova heard him and somehow found enough power to shift Hojo's operating table (the one with all the nice sharp objects falling from it) so that when it landed, it would land on top of him.

Seeing -and hearing, the lab assistants and the monkeys were making quite the racket as they fell- that there was no escape in sight, Hojo found the remote that operated the large magnet in the other end of the lab and hit the button to turn it on. As Hojo landed on the ceiling –floor- of the lab, (un)fortunately avoiding the glass, but not the liquid, every single metal object in the lab from the operating table, to Hojo's favorite scalpel, from #75's bracelets to #4's braces, flew through the air towards the magnet, some with their people still attached, thus sparing Hojo from a very violent and messy death.

Then, as Hojo stood back up, gravity reversed itself again, sending Hojo, monkeys, non-metal lab equipment (which was mostly now-broken flasks and the liquids contained within) and lab assistants hurtling towards the floor –ceiling- again.

-In a room warded against the effects of the gravity machine.-

Zack tilted his head, giggling as a loud thud followed by lots and lots of cursing echoed through the lab. He looked at Sephiroth who smirked then at Reno who nodded, and, with a flourish, pushed the button on the remote Reeve had given them.

"Hojo go up..." He giggled like a three-year-old who has just had lots of sugar. First came the screaming and monkeys chittering like mad, followed by a loud thud and glass breaking, and finally, the moaning and groaning as they struggled to reoriented.

Zack giggled again, cheerfully pressing the button. "Hojo go down." The cycle repeated itself. Sephiroth and Reno smirked, watching Hojo and co. fly through the air through the window built so Hojo could see the effects of the machine.

This continued until Zack –finally- broke the remote. But it lasted half of the day before it was reduced to a mess of wires and plastic.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	30. Sexchange

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry

Author's notes of random insanity: I just gave my kitten a bath... in a bucket; then, as I was drying her, she scratched my arm and made me look like I was suicidal, thankfully it only bled for a bit... I was more worried about her because she was shaking like a leaf in a storm. Poor baby.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Reno changes Hojo into a woman and she (Hojina) gets molested by President from **Dantesdarkqueen**

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The day had started out so nice.

First, Hojo had ordered the surviving lab assistants to clean up the mess from the gravity machine's malfunction, then he had a mild argument with #74, the longest surviving of all the lab assistants, which, he might add, he won, and, after the shouting had died down (#74 was also the loudest), President Shinra had arrived, with Reno in tow, demanding a demonstration of his newest invention. It had been just perfect, because just before the President arrived, Hojo had been putting the finishing-touches on a machine designed just for use on Reno, and what a use it was. It was guaranteed to get Reno out of his hair for a while, if not forever.

Unfortunately for him, the President might be stupid, but he was not willing to risk one of his Turks getting hurt in a hare-brained experiment, and no matter how many M&Ms Hojo offered, he was not going to budge on that. Since his lab assistants were either missing, dead or cleaning up, Hojo was the only one available for testing -#74 had made a break for the Security room the second President Shinra's large ass appeared in the door-. Needless to say Hojo was not pleased.

To add insult to injury, the President had ordered Reno to push the button while he sat where he could get the best view. The Turk had done so with an evil grin that rivaled anything he had seen on Sephiroth's face and the image stuck with him throughout the excruciating pain.

When he came too, he was female –though that was easily fixed, thanks to the multiple versions of the machine he had built-, and President Shinra was leering at him. Next thing he knew, there was a hand in his pants touching his –her- newly acquired parts.

Needless to say, once Hojo was freed from the clutches of the evil molester known as Shinra and returned to his natural state, he destroyed every single one of those machines and screams whenever something similar is mentioned.

As for Reno, he just laughs his ass off whenever anyone brings the subject up and disturbs everyone in the vicinity by describing in detail exactly what President Shinra did to Hoj-ina.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	31. Crossdressing

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: Sorry for the rather large delay in updating ( I had these up on my Livejournal, and forgot to upload them here because I was... having issues with FF.N), Enjoy. And there will be more updates in the future.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Zack decides to cross-dress and Seph convinces him otherwise while Hojo witnesses it from **Chibi Envy Chan**

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"I...." Zack said, with all the seriousness of a funeral of a beloved relative. "....have made a decision." Sephiroth and Hojo, both of whom were unfortunate enough to be forced to share an elevator with him on this fine morning, stared at him like he had lost his mind. Well, Sephiroth stared at him like he had lost his mind, Hojo stared at him like he was trying to eat his brain –it had happened once, an aftereffect of the cafeteria food-.

It was silent for a few seconds. "Well?" Zack demanded, looking highly displeased. "Aren't you going to ask what I've decided?"

"I've learned that life goes by easier if one simply does not ask." Sephiroth said dryly, staring at the numbers above the door as if willing them to go by faster. Zack pouted, turning his sulking gaze to Hojo.

"Aren't you going to ask?" He whined, not noticing Hojo's sudden jump, but Sephiroth did. The General smirked, correctly assuming that Hojo was still a little unnerved by the brain-eating incident. The scientist stuttered for a bit, sending up a prayer to Jenova, with a promise of offerings if she got him out of this mess.

The elevator came to a sudden, jarring stop just as Hojo finally croaked out the question. His words were lost in the sudden noise, but Zack, with his SOLDIER sharp hearing managed to catch them and grinned triumphantly at Sephiroth. Sephiroth stared blankly at them both, and considered climbing the elevator cord to get away from the idiots.

"I.... Zack, the greatest Soldier in the history of Shinra...." Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "....have made the decision to formally change my uniform to a big, poofy, pretty-pink, princess dress." Hojo squeaked.

"No. You haven't." Sephiroth stated, his tone frank and matter of fact. Zack frowned.

"I could've sworn I just did."

"It was only a hallucination. You did no such thing, and will no longer entertain any ideas of continuing on this train of thought." Sephiroth fingered Masamune threateningly, eyeing Zack like he would a particularly difficult piece of paperwork. Zack swallowed nervously, glancing at Hojo.

"You wouldn't.... kill me in front of witnesses would you?" Zack asked nervously, backing up so his back was plastered against the elevator doors. Sephiroth's teeth glinted in the low light of the elevator, his eyes practically dancing with joy.

"Believe me, if I chose to kill you now, I would take great pleasure in eliminating the witness."

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	32. Imitation

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: Apologies again.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: The triplets start wearing dresses and Hojo has to deal with it. They copied Zack from **Chibi Envy Chan**

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"Boys...." Hojo said slowly, his eyes wide and disbelieving as he stared at the sight before him. His darling boys, Jenova's sons, his most precious specimens, had been defiled. Perhaps he should've been paying more attention when they had started hanging out with that, _that_ cross-dressing fool who obviously has gender issues if he's allowing them to call him 'mom'. "What are you wearing?"

Kadaj looked at him as though he was an insect stuck on the bottom of his shoe. "What does it look like we're wearing?"

"Dresses, Duh." Yazoo stated, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	33. Drunk?

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: Want to read something amusing that I participate in that is frequently updated? Check out http : / / tearsofblood . freeforumhost . com / index . php (remove spaces), you'll have to register to be able to see any of the roleplays, but it's highly amusing. And there are still free spaces in the FF7 one currently going on, we'd love to have you.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Reno gets Hojo drunk and video tapes the aftermath. from **Chibi Envy Chan**

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"Reno...." Tseng frowned, watching the TV screen intently; Hojo was stumbling across the screen in a stupor, half-dressed and obviously stoned out of his mind. The red head grinned up at the Wutaiian man, green eyes sparkling. "What exactly did you slip Hojo?" He demanded as the onscreen Hojo started belting out 'I feel pretty!! in one of Zack's dresses'.

Reno's grin, if possible, grew wider. "That's the secret. I told Hojo it was a mixture of alcohol, but in reality, it was just water." Tseng glanced at the screen, where Hojo was holding a kareoke session with Zack, both in pretty dresses that Sephiroth was probably going to torch later, then glanced back at Reno.

"That....." Tseng gestured towards the travesty on screen. "...was caused by water?"

"And a little bit of belief..." Reno snickered, looking positively diabolical. Tseng shook his head and asked him to pass the popcorn.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	34. Teaching The Triplets

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: Alright, suppose you want to see something new before it's up here? Visit: http : // chaos-silk . livejournal . com /, usually new fics will be posted there, before they're up here.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Reno, Zack, Seph, and Vincent teach the triplets how to break out and wreak havoc in Hojo's lab from **Chibi Envy Chan**

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It had only been hours since Hojo had turned the triplet's welfare over to the Turks' hands –specifically, Tseng and Rude, who were the only Turks Hojo could trust- for training in the art of stealth, and he was already feeling the effects of the lessons.

First, his squid had disappeared out of their tanks in his office, with the door triple-locked and the glass of the aquarium unbroken. There was a note left on the tank, but he didn't bother to read it, already knowing the culprits' names and faces, because he had witnessed Tseng turning the trio's training over to Reno just minutes after he had left them with him.

Then, as if the theft of his beloved squid was not enough, he had found a severed tentacle in front of the dragon cage, and the remainder of a squid in its mouth. It snorted at him and chomped down. He could practically hear the squid screaming in pain as it was eaten, and it made him shed a tear of remorse, mourning the loss of its life.

As he was going back to his office to order more squid –and better locks-, one of the primate specimens crossed his path, wielding a rather terrifying object –for Hojo at least-. It was followed by the trio of terror, each wielding the same object in their left and a miniature Masamune replica in their right.

Soon afterward, there was a rather large crash, and when Hojo had finally revived enough to investigate, he found several phrases that cannot be repeated in a 'T' rated fic scrawled on the wall above the smoking ruins of a rather important piece of equipment.

Somehow, Hojo just knew that turning the clones over to the Turks was the worst mistake he had ever made in his life.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	35. More Triplets

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: Don't you just love Rockband? And people who play it annoyingly loud while other people are trying to write? I swear, I will hide it in a place where it can never be found again.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Use the Triplets more often. With Reeve, Reno and Vincent. From **Psycho-Demyx is Hearted**

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A loud crash echoed through the vast laboratory, followed by the maniacal laughter that only a mother would've found charming. Almost a shame that the trio in question didn't have one. Hojo found himself wondering why Jenova tested him so as he heard the sound of his newest invention being turned on. Five minutes later, Reno, Reeve and Vincent were sitting in front of him.

Naked.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	36. Axel

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: Not as originally requested. Why? Because, as much fun as crossovers are to write, this isn't one.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Axel makes an appearance. Suggested by **MegaKiraraLover**

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Reno had a new housemate. Everyone at Shinra was talking about it, wondering who this mysterious stranger was, and why Reno had allowed him to take up residence in his apartment. Some said that he had something to do with the weird airplane crash near Reno's building, some said he was a cousin from out of town, some said it was none of their business and kept out of it. Reno was surprisingly quiet on the matter.

Hojo was beginning to get very, very worried by the silence. Not for Reno's health or anything, but for his own sanity. Reno being quiet usually meant that something devastating was going to happen. Last time, Hojo had been spared as Sephiroth had incurred the Turk's wrath, this time; he was probably not going to be that lucky. Reno's target was locked, and something was getting ready to blow up in a rather spectacular manner, as hinted by the smirk the redhead gave him every time he passed by.

Several days later, Hojo's lab was raided by a redhead dressed in black who stole the remaining parts of what the good –bad- doctor was strongly beginning to believe was a ship for travel between worlds, set his squid on fire, and spent a good chunk of time chasing around the lab techs and destroying equipment before jumping out the window and disappearing. Reno had an alibi –several, in fact-, and security tapes to prove that he wasn't involved. In addition, Hojo's assailant used strange looking Chakrams and had the ability to summon Flames without materia, meaning that despite the similarity in coloring and figure, Reno was not the perpetrator.

Reno's housemate disappeared shortly after that.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	37. Pregnant?

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: I can write to 'The Sixth Sense', but I can't write to Rockband? I'm so weird.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: There's a mix-up in the lab, which Reno and Zack instigate, and this causes Hojo to think that he is pregnant From the ever so lovely, **Dantesdarkqueen.**

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"Yo~ Hojo." Reno called, a cheerfully evil grin on his face as he stepped into the scientist's office, a stack of papers balanced in his hands. The doctor looked up from where he was reviewing his latest data, a scowl on his face.

"What do you want?" He demanded. There was data to analyze, experiments to conduct, squid to coo over. He did not have time for Reno's shenanigans today. The redhead smirked, cheerfully handing him a report from Shinra's Medical Division.

"Delivery for you." Reno sing-songed, making sure to hand him the false report he had printed out in Rufus's office while the Vice President wasn't looking. Hojo looked at it suspiciously, not remembering why he was receiving it. "It's the report from your latest physical. Don't worry, I didn't look at it or anything."

He hadn't, well specifically he hadn't looked at the real one placed under the fake. He had looked at it when filed, and they –referring to Zack, Tseng and himself- had decided that the real one was too boring, so they made a fake one to spice things up. Zack had distracted Rufus, with Cloud, a piece of string and a faked hostage situation –Cloud and Rufus thought it was real, and that was all that mattered- while he and Tseng typed up the 'new' one.

Hojo took it with a huff, not even noticing that there were two separate reports handed to him instead of just one. Reno hid a smirk and faked a concerned look as the greasy man threw it onto his desk without even looking at it.

"You might want to read it now, Doctor Whosits thought it was pretty important." And with that, the redhead left the office, leaving Hojo to his medical reports.

Reluctantly, our favorite doctor picked up his file and read the first line, then blinked and read it again. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, making sure he was seeing what he thought he was seeing.

"I'M PREGNANT?!"

Outside his office, Reno collapsed into a fit of giggling.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	38. Stalking

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: I can see this happening, and it amuses me greatly.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Seph and the triplets tag-team torment Hojo, and make him have a nervous breakdown. From the ever so lovely, **Dantesdarkqueen.**

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Hojo's paranoia had been prodded into full overdrive by a series of weird events. For the last week, every time he had turned around, he had come face to face with Sephiroth, or one of his clones, grinning that evil little grin down –or up- at him. If he was particularly unlucky, he would encounter, two, three, or all four at the same time, just watching him with their catlike green eyes, smirking as they followed his every movement.

It only took three hours for the scientist to cave in completely and become a babbling ball of nerves, jumping at every shadow, cringing at every sound. Sephiroth and the trio of terror smirked.

Mime materia was a very good thing to have.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	39. Escape

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: While normally Jenova makes me go 'ewwwww', in this fic she makes me giggle. Like a schoolgirl on pixie sticks.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Jenova gets out of her tank and tortures Hojo mentally. From the ever so lovely, **Dantesdarkqueen.**

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"Um.... sir?" Lab assistant #43 piped up nervously, staring warily at the huge gaping hole in Jenova's tank. "I think this specimen might have escaped." He pointed at the shattered glass and purple ooze covering the floor. Hojo barely even glanced at it, too busy taking notes on the behavior of the large, angry dragon in the other tank.

"Nonsense. That specimen has been dead for millennia; it is not going to suddenly come back to life and start killing people. No matter what stories your cohorts might scare you with." Hojo huffed, still frantically scribbling on his clipboard as a shadow loomed over them. #43 screamed as he was dragged off to his doom.

Hojo snorted, not even looking up. "Your parlor tricks will not work on me this time. Begone pest." He sniffed, smirking to himself as the shadow went away.

He wasn't so smug when he found #43 floating in his squid tank, poisoning his darling pets with his foul blood. Or when it happened again, a week later with a different numbered lab tech.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	40. Acid

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: You know, I met my best friend while playing with acid. Funny story actually, see we were in Earth Science class, and you know how those labs go....

**Important Note: **I'm considering ending this at fifty, or fifty-five. Thoughts and suggestions on this would be welcome.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Reno finds a creative use for acid. From the ever so lovely, **Dantesdarkqueen.**

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Today Hojo thought that perhaps he could get some work done without a threat to his precious squid, or anything else in his laboratory, including himself. Reno had injured himself earlier, having fallen through the floor in some harebrained scheme and breaking his leg. The other troublemakers had gone to visit/point and laugh at him, leaving Hojo in peace for the day.

Or so he thought.

He had the bad luck to come upon the exact place that Reno had fell through the floor at, marked by what looked to be like a dropped vial of strong acid and a small portion of the floor that had been eaten away. How did he find it? The same way Reno did, by falling through it and the following three floors. Only he didn't have a safety net of lab techs to land on like the Turk did, and broke more than a few bones.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


	41. Wax

Disclaimer: All I own are my muses, the random characters I make up and my sword, sorry.

Notes: Hot wax hurts like hell... I can only imagine what it feels like on your head.

**Important Note: **I'm considering ending this at fifty, or fifty-five. Thoughts and suggestions on this would be welcome.

Warnings: in chapter one.

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Challenge: Kadaj pours wax on Hojo's head and his brothers have to get it off (along with Hojo's hair). From the ever so lovely, **Dantesdarkqueen.**

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Not even Zack would've fallen for it, but somehow Hojo did. A bucket of wax, heated with a fire spell, perched over his office door by a trio of mischievous pranksters. An unsuspecting scientist, walking into said office. Wax went everywhere, coating head, hair, and lab coat in blood red –Kadaj had stolen Vincent's candles-.

To Hojo, the only thing more painful than having hot wax spill on him, was having the trio of terror burn it off along with most of his hair.

Pictures of the aftermath are still being circulated around the building.

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TBC

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Thanks to all for reading and reviewing.


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